Whenever a long-awaited album from an established artist appears, the sad
fact is that some people are too broke/lame/isolated/deaf to hear it for
themselves. This is a serious problem, as inability to make authoritative
comments can lead to feelings of inadequacy, and eventually serial killing.
So in the interest of saving lives, here is an essential guide to talking
about the new Aphex Twin album. Simply toss out these phrases at random
intervals and you too will look like a mean, moody, post-everything music
critic.
NOTE: You are licensed to use these cliches *only* in relation to the new
Aphex Twin album, DRUGKS. Reverse engineering, altering, or retrofitting
these comments to apply to other record releases is a violation of your
license and will invoke expensive and horrifying legal penalties.
'Why did it take so long for RDJ to make DRUKQS?'.
'Not long enough in the studio, this is really unoriginal.'
'I wish he'd go back to his old sound, I hate this new stuff.'
'He's a genius.'
'Just raided his archives.'
'I like it better than Confield.'
'Ae is doing something different to RDJ.'
'I hate it but I will keep it for completeness' sake (I can't get refunds at
my record store).'
'Nobody else crafts their sounds as carefully as RDJ.'
'I think it captures a real spirit of [insert any previous album/track].'
'I wonder how much of it was recorded in the bank and how much in the boot
of an old mini.'
'I just listened to DRUKQS while drunk/stoned/having sex, and [link with any
other comment].'
'Has anyone noticed the sleeve notes :-) [Do not refer to anything
specific]'
'Aphex Twin fans tend towards trainspotting. [use this if anyone says you
are talking crap]'
'RDJ told me he read this list for a while but gave up. [Another good
evasion tactic]'
'I just noticed he's used some sample from [invent a movie title].'
'I think track XX blatantly rips off [obscure and unloved mp3-only artist].'
'Maybe [obscure and unloved mp3-only artist] is RDJ.'
'I had that RDJ in the back of my cab once.'
Album reviewers!! We know that you do not have much time to actually listen
to records, and that it is much more fun to go to major-label parties and
snort cocaine from the thighs of an attractive model. Frankly, this
underground stuff is a terrible blight on music journalism as it demands you
go back to forming opinions and explaining the so-called 'new sound' to your
ignorant readers, who secretly think you are a tosspot but envy your
not-quite-a-rock-star lifestyle.
With this in mind, we have constructed a handy kit which will be adequate
for any review of less than about 500 words. If you have extra space which
you must fill with copy, simply add some amusing personal anecdote and say
that it occurred just before/during/after listening to DRUKQS. Just pick
words at random from the list below and mix with some articles, prepositions
and punctuation marks. You can also use similar words from a thesaurus. The
guy across the room has one and knows what it is for. Throw in some track
titles from the album at random, and voila! another cutting-edge,
hip-as-fuck review, which will cement your status among everyone who counts.
Be careful not to actually say anything specific about any individual track.
Beginning
acid-munching 'Richard D. James' enigmatic experimental tank-driving
'beavering away' finally long-awaited Windowlicker.
Middle
Surprising blend old new retread cutting-edge reminiscent 'finest moment'
nadir gorgeous abrasive terrifying 'scale the heights' intriguing 'IDM list'
frustrating 'Analogue Bubblebath' explorations fundamental basic unhinged 'I
care because you do' [name some other band].
End
listening experience however predicatable sparkling moment ultimately
success failure 'already owns a bank' Mozart.
Finally, if you as a reviewer or fan feel an extreme lack of confidence when
someone asks you about DRUKQS in a social situation, you may find yourself
unable to reel off these phrases in a 'cool' fashion. You will certainly not
get laid/retained in your job if you begin stammering or turn red in the
face, as there are powerful signals of evolutionary weakness, and people are
ultimately just animals, animals. If you find yourself in desperate straits,
one single sentence will get you out of the tightest corners. Practise this
carefully in a mirror, and try to develop a lip curl or a good shrug to go
with it. If you still feel insecure, grow a beard and clutch your chin
during moments of stress, it works for me. The magic sentence, which will
deflect all hard-to-answer RDJ conversational gambits:
'I'm not into Aphex Twin...didn't he have a hit on MTV a while back?'
My friend and yours,
Anig Browl
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