You guys are way too uptight...
-------
SEAN PORTNOY FOUND LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK
"Hah hah, suckers!" sneers Portnoy, on route to make yet another deposit
Cherry Hill, NEW JERSEY (REUTERZ) - Sean Portnoy, idle playboy by day,
crimefighter by night -- that's what he would have you think, anyway, with
the Batman pyjamas he is rumored to wear to bed every night.
But the former bagel restaurant and brothel owner ("Cream Cheese and
Squeeze") from Los Angeles hides a dark and highly profitable secret that
is covertly sucking millions of dollars from unsuspecting IDM fans:
"Grooves."
What this mysterious "Grooves" is, exactly, not many are sure. Some say
that if you want to be in the know about the latest in electonic music, buy
"Grooves". Others say, "Hey dude, the new 'Grooves' is in. It's hip. It's
hot. Let's check it out." Still others claim that they do not know what it
is, while walking out of their local mom-n-pop music stores with anonymous,
brown paper bags concealing their purchases.
Whatever this "Grooves" turns out to be, there is no doubt that its
proprietor, Sean Portnoy, is living the good life. As we race his new
fire-apple red Porsche 914 convertible down I-95 with the 12-disc changer
blasting Sammy Hagar, I am given insight into this brilliant, twisted soul:
"Check out my gold chains, dude," Sean says, flashing bands of 24K metal in
the summer sun while singing along with Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55." He
grins, showing off polished gold incisors that would blind Stevie Wonder.
The cell phone chirps and Sean pulls suddenly into the fast lane. He picks
up and listens for a moment:
"What?! You jackass! If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: buy
low, sell high. Fuck it. Get my yacht ready, I'm going for a dip." He hangs
up.
We talk briefly about the "Grooves" project before he drops me off at the
bus stop:
AR: "So Sean, 'fess up. What's it all about, babe?"
SP: "'Grooves' is a carefully studied tax shelter scheme my accountant and
I have come up with. Basically, people who like listening to experimental
electronic music give me all of their money and then I launder it into
off-shore accounts, Carribean tax shelters, that sort of thing."
AR: "So it's not about the music."
SP: *laughter* "Next question..."
Next week: Will Grooves sell out and have featured interviews with Orbital
and the Chemical Bros.? Will Sean drop plans to race his yacht and head
over to the polo club instead? Are the rumors about the Batman pj's fake?