GINGER SPICE CALLS IT QUITS, SECRET WARP RECORDS DEAL GOES OUT THE
WINDOW
LONDON, ENGLAND (REUTERZ) -- Geri Halwell, also known as the "Sexy
Spice" of
the world-famous Spice Girls, announced yesterday that she was
leaving the
all-female British pop group. Almost immediately thereafter came
reports of
clandestine dealings involving the Sheffield-based record label
Warp
Records and the Spice Girls, who were reportedly aiming to
emigrate quietly
to the Warp label.
Due to constant pressure from the record execs of the Girls'
current label
to "sell out" and release conventional pop nosh to their highly
independent-minded fans, they supposedly wanted to move to a more
open-minded record company.
However, through their legal council, the other Spice Girls -- Emma
"Baby
Spice" Bunton, Victoria "Posh Spice" Adams, Melanie "Sporty Spice"
Chisolm,
and Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown -- were quick to deny any
back-room
dealings with the renowned electronica outfit Warp, who were
looking for an
act to mirror their multi-platinum-selling collaboration with
Finnish pop
star Jimi Tenor.
In a statement issued after the announcement, the Girls said that
they were
"upset and saddened by Geri's departure, but we are very
supportive in
whatever she wants to do. Even if that includes recordings of
Natalie
Cole-like duets with Richard "AFX" James. But we won't have
anything to do
with it." Rumours have circled that a torrid affair between
Halwell and
James was a catalyst for the group's early demise.
"Backstage, Geri would do nothing but talk on end about her little
snooglewuggums, her naughty little 'Hairy Spice' -- it was bloody
awful,"
commented Victoria Adams in a telephone interview. "She'd natter
on
endlessly about getting naked and dressing up in that bear costume
of
his... oh, the perverted horror of it all."
In the most recent of many emergency shareholder meetings this
month, Warp
Records CEO Greg Eden talked about the recent discussions between
the music
publisher and the group. "We deeply regret the departure of Ms
Halwell from
the Spice Girls product. Nonetheless, to protect the value of our
holdings,
our lawyers feel it appropriate to outline segments of the
thirty-year
contract the group signed last week. We expect the remaining Girls
to abide
by any and all stipulations in the contract and any deviation from
said
contract will result in legal proceedings, public flogging, etc.
etc."
Visibly upset with the sordid display of legal breast-beating,
several Welsh
shareholders in the front row proceeded to throw popcorn and empty
cans of
lager in the CEO's general direction, booing loudly.
Also upset, Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown commented on Eden's
supposed threats
-- "Eden and his lawyer thugs are naught but cryptofascists! We
shall seize
the day... and publish all our stuff as MPEGs! Girl Power!" -- and
lifted
her fists to the air, marching out of the press room with the
other Girls,
all four whistling the theme song to "The Bridge On The River
Kwai".
Nervous and sweating profusely, Girls' lawyer Alan Edwards pulled
the
microphone toward him and added, chuckling slightly, "Ah, what my
clients
really meant to say is that we are looking forward to a long and
fruitful
relationship with the nice lawyers at Warp Records(tm) and would
certainly
would not wish to incur their disfavour/wrath."
Warp's CEO responded only with the following cryptic remark: "Oh
yeah, she's
definitely a hottie, that 'Scary Spice' -- love that tongue stud!"
and
proceeded to nudge this journalist's ribs repeatedly.
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--
The only certainty is that there is nothing certain
Pliny the Elder (c.23-79)